Pondering Hearts
by gsugirl
Summary: Horatio's laments lost opportunities during a conversation with a friend in this holiday story. Hope you enjoy!


Pondering Hearts  
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She entered the dimly lit building as the midnight hour approached and made her way to one of the few remaining seats…fourth row…the very end. Seating herself, she smoothed her black skirt, placed her purse in her lap, and looked around. Smiling slightly while relaxing her shoulders, she thought of how pleasant it was to be back in this place…her special place…the place where she always found an uncommon strength and an indescribable peace.

As the music began and the candles quietly flickered, she thought of him. She hoped he had found a peaceful state this evening. She hoped he found the solace he was so desperately looking for. She hoped that something she had said earlier nestled deep within him and quieted his turmoil. When he'd left her she wasn't sure…but there was always hope. This season was proof of that.

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><p><em>She was surprised upon seeing him five hours earlier. She'd walked to the front entrance to double check the locks after working late on this Christmas Eve. After sending everyone home, she had completed the clean-up of the Center's Christmas party alone. The staff had protested, but she'd insisted. They had their families to attend to…she had none and despite the years that had ensued, the memories of past Christmas Eves still proved difficult for her. While others craved the festivities, she preferred solitude for reasons that were all her own.<em>

_So, as late afternoon evolved into early evening, she took down the trees, packed away the holiday décor, washed the dishes, thrown the remnants of torn wrapping paper, shredded ribbons, and uneaten food into the dumpster out back before finally mopping the floor in an attempt to keep her mind occupied. Staying busy, coupled with being in this place on this night, would be her way of coping until another Christmas Eve melted into Christmas Day and became history._

_Starting to return to her office to collect her things, she caught sight of a lone shadow calmly sitting on the bottom step, his elbows resting on his knees, staring out into the dark Miami night. At first, she thought him to be a vagrant. She'd encountered an increasing number of them during this holiday season. They always seemed to find their way to her. The ones who still held on to their pride would ask for odd jobs in return for whatever she help could give them. Painting, light carpentry, cleaning…anything would do as long as it was honest work. The others, who were long past desperate, just asked and she obliged as best she could with whatever she had._

_She considered just slipping out the back door and pretending he wasn't there. But knowing that her conscience wouldn't allow that, she bit her bottom lip and resolved to part with the last twenty dollar bill that was in her purse. She knew he might make a mad dash for the package shop on the corner, but if he did that was on him. She'd done what she could. Fate would manage the rest._

_As if by grand design, the headlights of an approaching vehicle illuminated a soft glint of red hair. She breathed a sigh of relief upon realizing who it was. Then she wondered why he was sitting there.  
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_Her brain suddenly went into overdrive. Had they made plans that she'd forgotten about? As busy as she had been that was entirely possible, but she didn't think so. Since meeting him at a fund-raising event a few months ago she'd found him to be pleasant and was personally desirous of more time together, but wasn't completely sure if the feeling was mutual.. He seemed genuinely interested at times, but extremely guarded. There would be days in which he was warmly attentive...drinks after work, the surprise of a delivery of flowers, calls, etc. Then, days would go by in which she heard nothing from him. The last couple of weeks had been one of those times. While uncertain of where she stood with him in their relationship, the one thing she was certain of was that he was anything but financially desperate. Then again, there were many ways to be desperate. And something about Horatio Caine exuded quiet desperation.  
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_Watching him reach down to push himself up from the step as he rose to leave, she unlocked the door and called out, "Hey, Lieutenant! Were you going to just leave without even the courtesy of a Merry Christmas? That's not very friendly."_

_Turning sharply, he caught sight of her tossing back her windblown hair and replied, "Not my intentions, ma'am. I didn't see your car in your space so I figured you'd left for the day."_

"_I parked in the back this morning. Why didn't you ring the bell? I would have buzzed you in."_

"_I considered it, but then I wasn't sure that I'd be very good company for you tonight. So I decided to pack it up and head on home."_

"_No holiday parties to attend this evening? I would have thought you had a gathering just waiting for you."_

"_Nah…just thought I'd catch a bowl game. That's probably the best thing…considering everything."_

"_Perhaps, but since you are here tonight, why don't you let me be the judge of the quality of your companionship. And since I, like you, am in no mood for a night on the town, you are welcome to watch the game at my place. I promise to be as quiet as a mouse unless it involves Southeastern Conference teams in which you should know I'm very loyal. I have plans for later, but the next few hours are yours if you want them."_

_"May I bring take-out? Tell me what you'd like and I'll pick it up."_

_ "I actually have a roast in the crock-pot that should be done by now. Not your traditional holiday cuisine I'll admit, but it's a comfort food for me." _

_"Sounds good...how about a dessert?"_

_"That would be appreciated."_

_Ninety minutes later, after a dinner with sparse conversation, she started the dishwasher before joining him in the great room noticing him staring at the Christmas tree in the corner rather than the muted flat screen across from him._

"_Who's winning?" she asked flatly setting a cup of coffee in front of him._

"_Uh…uh…I think…em…to tell you the truth, I don't know. Not paying much attention," he chuckled with an ironic smile._

"_Then why don't you turn it off and share whatever it is that is bothering you."_

"_As I remember, I warned you that I wouldn't be very good company tonight. I apologize if I've put a damper on your evening."_

"_No apologies necessary. Yes, you did warn me, but you did seek me out for some reason tonight. And I'm here to listen if you have something on your mind. Feel free to talk you'd like or if you'd rather walk, I will consider myself warned. Believe me, I'll completely understand," she answered softly catching a glimpse of a particular ornament on the side of the tree._

_Leaning back into the sofa, he turned to her and asked, "I was wondering if you happen to have any foster children enrolled at the Center?"_

"_Yeah, we have two in fact and expect to get a new one in January. Why do you ask?"_

"_What kind of Christmas do you think they will have this year?"_

"_One should have a very nice holiday. Her family is in this thing for all the right reasons. The other…I'm not so sure about. His parents are new to foster parenting. Some folks are in it for the kids…others just for the cash. My eyes are open, though. I'm watching," she replied curling her leg under her.  
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"_Will this help?" Horatio asked slipping his wallet from his back pocket, removing a mound of folded cash, and placing it on the coffee table. _

"_Will it help? Horatio, there must be five or six hundred dollars there. That would help anybody!" she replied incredulously leaning closer to the stash on the table.  
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"_Good…I trust you to put it to good use. And if you ever need more for any foster kid at the Center, let me know. Not only holidays, but birthdays, school supplies, clothing…anything. Keep me posted. I want to be informed of any unmet needs that arise. It's important to me."_

"_Okay. May I ask why? You don't have to tell me of course, but I am curious. You've made very generous donations to the Center in the past and this is the season for giving. But why the sudden interest in the foster kids?"_

"_It's because of Kyle." _

"_Your son…I thought he was in the military. Does he have any association with foster kids?"_

_"You might say that Kyle is an authority on foster kids and he's enlightened me a great deal."_

_"I don't understand...I'm not following this..."_

"_A conversation with Kyle this morning made me keenly aware of the needs of foster kids. My son really gave his sorry assed old man a reason to think today. What a piss-poor father I was to that boy!" Horatio said looking away from her attempting to hide his disgust._

"_Stop it, Horatio! Look…I don't know about your conversation, but I do know that you beam with pride upon the mere mention of Kyle. You don't strike me as a 'piss-poor father'! And if Kyle said as such, then he was out of line! You should have corrected him rather than agreed with him."_

"_You're under the wrong impression, Karen. We're not on the outs with each other. Kyle called today to talk and extend Christmas greetings.__ He's spending the holidays with his girlfriend and her family in up-state New York. He's coming home to Miami in the spring when he has a two-week leave."_

"_So you are unhappy that he'll be with others for Christmas. I can understand that."_

"_I don't mind him being with the girl. She's good for him, in fact. She has this large in-tact family that she's very bonded with and he's quite fond of her. She's a positive force in his life and I'm happy for them. But there was something he mentioned about being excited about having a traditional 'family' Christmas that struck a nerve with me. It seems that Kyle never actually had a 'family' Christmas as a kid…at least not with me."_

"_You told me that you and his mother never married. Were you not allowed to have visits at Christmas?" _

"_It's much more complicated than that. I didn't know Kyle existed until he was 16. I found him accidentally through a case I was working. Julia…Kyle's mother ended the relationship without telling me she was pregnant. Imagine seeing a younger version of yourself standing in an interrogation room staring you in the face. It was quite the moment."_

"_You had no idea you had a son out there?"_

"_No. Ironic isn't it…Horatio Caine, advocate for crime victims, has a son that he knows nothing about. All I was to that boy for the first sixteen years of his life was a sperm donor…one half of his DNA…not any semblance of a father."_

"_I'm sorry, Horatio. That had to be extremely difficult for you to deal with."_

"_I couldn't help but press him for details today about his holidays while growing up. He didn't want to share much, but I got the gist of things. Pretty damned miserable."_

"_I'm not trying to defend his mother, but maybe the break-up embittered her. Maybe she wanted to do better for him, but just couldn't for some reason. Raising a child alone isn't easy. Maybe a sense of misplaced pride or unresolved anger wouldn't allow her to inform you…even though she most definitely should have."_

"_Julia didn't raise our son, Karen. The State of Florida raised our son for almost 10 years. His mother left him when he was about six in the care of her mother, whom she knew was critically ill, and after his grandmother's death a short time later, Kyle was placed in one foster home after another until I stumbled upon him. The longest he stayed anywhere was about 16 months. It seems that boys are harder to place in foster homes than girls. And older children are even more difficult to place. Kyle was the perfect storm..a boy who was over the age of six and troubled."_

"_Why didn't she come back for him after her mother died? Didn't she keep in touch? Couldn't anyone find her?"_

"_Kyle's mother couldn't be located because she had embarked on a new career, one that should have landed her beautiful ass in prison. She had five aliases in fifteen years and was investigated for larceny, fraud, and numerous other forms of financial misconduct. Nothing ever stuck though. Julia and her pals were much too crafty for that. She claims she thought about the boy…but never managed to put her thoughts into action."_

"_That's rather drastic behavior, Horatio. Maybe she was overwhelmed by something...something bigger than she was. Maybe she was suffering with something that brought on this type of behavior. It's hard to understand, but it is possible."_

"_Yes, Julia had problems, yet despite those she managed to travel abroad, sport designer clothes, drive luxury cars, and enjoy being in the company of millionaires while her son…while **our**__** son**__…paid a very high price. She never made a single attempt to contact anyone regarding Kyle's welfare in ten years. Julia always manages to work people, places, and things to her advantage."_

_"Did you care for her?" _

_Catching Horatio's terse glance, she cleared her throat and stammered, "I'm sorry...that was inappropriate. I shouldn't have asked."_

_"I was working undercover in Pensacola when I met Julia and definitely thinking with the wrong head when I got involved with her, but I did care. I cared for a long time. But I've often wondered if Julia is capable of truly caring for anybody other than herself. We had a common connection in Pensacola. There was a friend that I've maintained contact with since those days as has Julia. She could have found me if she'd tried," Horatio continued looking down at his hands._

"_It seems like everyone got hurt in that relationship…you, Kyle's mother, and most importantly Kyle."_

_"It's hard hearing my son say that he never had a decent Christmas as a child. It's hard knowing that his childhood was impoverished while I lived comfortably. I would have_ _done better by him. I would have fought for him. I would have been in every family court in the Florida seeking custody…had I known."_

"_Don't you think Kyle understands that_?_ He sees the father that you are to him now and he knows how much you care. You've shown him that since finding him and Kyle is smart enough to understand."_

"_Karen I missed so damned much! Kyle missed so damned much! I would have changed his diapers, let him sleep in my bed, read him Curious George stories, and taught him to ride a bike. I would have walked him into school on his first day, checked his homework, and made him eat his vegetables. I would have helped him set out cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve and watched him open presents on Christmas morning. I didn't get to do those things, but I would have had I known about him. I would have made a life for my son…had I known."_

_Glancing at his watch, the red-head rose suddenly and said, "Uh…you said you had somewhere to be tonight and I've taken up too much of your time with my ramblings. You've been a very patient sounding board tonight, Ma'am. Thank you for that. I'm sorry if I've said too much. A helluva way for a lady to spend Christmas Eve. Use that money to help those kids...okay."_

"_Horatio can I give you something to ponder? Will you listen to a word of advice? You can consider it a little Christmas gift."_

_"Coming from you...I'd appreciate it."_

"_You were robbed of so much of Kyle's childhood, but you have him now and there are the opportunities for so many good memories. You have the possibility of a future both with him and those that will be in his future. Focus on the 'now' with Kyle and move forward. Live for that. So many people only have memories of what is past without any possibility of a future. And that can be a much more difficult life."_

* * *

><p>As the benediction was pronounced and the congregants began crowding the exits in pursuit of their holiday destinations, she sought out a few dear friends and extended holiday greetings before walking out the front doors and down the dew-drenched steps.<p>

Before finding her vehicle, she made that detour...the one she always made on this special night…a detour toward the Nativity Scene quietly adorning the side of the building. Reaching into her pocket, she leaned into the crèche and placed a miniature crystal angel with 'CJ' engraved into the straw-filled manger beside the replica of the Christ child.

Catching sight of the Virgin Mary's brown eyes, bright and warm despite her being a wooden figure, she remembered the minister's words, _'And Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart'._

Wiping away a lone tear she said, "Bring comfort all those both old and young who are alone and struggling and wish my precious little one a Merry Christmas. Tell her Mama misses her and prays to join her soon."

Complete

**Author's Note: Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas season! Remember those who are hurting both today and every day!**


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